My Husband And I Are Just Roommates.
My husband and I have been married for over 30 years. Years ago I could walk out of the bedroom and initiate something and he would go for it without hesitation. These days, it seems he has zero interest in anything I propose when it comes to getting down and dirty. What are some ways to bring romance and fun back into my relationship? It sorta feels like we’re just best friends sharing a house…and no fun.
Bringing Sexy Back
Dear Mrs. Bringing Sexy Back,
Congratulations! The fact that you realize there is a problem, and WANT to fix it is an excellent first step. And MORE good news: the fact that you refer to your husband as your best friend means a LOT. It means you love and respect each other (and you are not so frustrated that you want to smother him with a pillow).
First, do not assume this is about you. When a man rejects women for sex it is shocking to us because, let’s be honest, we are simply not used to it. There is this idea that men ALWAYS want to have sex. This rejection throws up all our insecurities and we begin picking ourselves apart. After a while, the sex depravation makes us think all kinds of crazy things like…
Am I not sexy anymore? Is it because I gained 5 pounds? What is wrong with me?
Does he have sleep apnea? Is he having an affair?
Please be very kind to yourself through this process as you would treat your dearest friend.
You are not alone. I have experienced this myself and as I researched this topic, I realized how common this truly is.
All problems can be solved with Love, Compassion and Effort.
There are numerous reasons for his loss of libido such as: Stress, weight gain, low self-esteem, medication, health issues, etc. Is it possible that this is a health issue? Does he have ED (erectile dysfunction)? Health issues, stress and lifestyle factors cause ED. If you suspect there might be a problem, encourage him to have a full physical with your family doctor.
If there are no health issues and he is Fit as a Fiddle - Excellent!
Now here comes the fun part…
Here is a menu, if you will, of ways you can reignite the sexual desire in your marriage. Try some or all of these to bring the spark back in your marriage…
Make yourself feel beautiful, sexy and the very best version of yourself. Begin by asking yourself:
- How am I showing up in the world?
- Do I look and feel my best?
- Am I radiating positivity?
- Am I confident and sexy?
- If not, what can I do about it?
- Go to it!
“Nothing makes a woman more Beautiful than the Belief that she is Beautiful.”
Step out of your Comfort Zone
Doing a lot of the same stuff you have already tried without a positive result is the very definition of madness, right? This is the time to mix it up and step out of your comfort zone.
I printed out the photo below and stuck in on my mirror where I do my hair in the morning. I love it! It inspires me and makes me feel Braver.
Deepen your connection with him through good communication
- Good communication means listening with love and respect. Listen to him, really listen, give him your full attention and provide positive feedback.
- Catch him doing something good and praise him. Be as specific as possible. This is huge as we all love to feel appreciated, right?
- Tell him all the things you are grateful for in your life (and remember to include him in that list, ha!). It doesn’t have to be Thanksgiving for us to discuss our list of blessings. Talk about the good things that happened today... Ask him, “Hey sweetie, what was the best part of your day?” The coolest part of this is that if you do it often enough it becomes a TERRIFIC HABIT!
Schedule a Date Night
- Kiss, Flirt, Smile and Laugh with him. Relax and enjoy being together.
- No mobile phones/technology allowed at the table.
- Reminisce about really happy memories together. Talk about your hopes and dreams for the future.
- Hold his hand and make him feel loved, interesting, sexy and handsome.
- Create a Beautiful Bedroom
As you walk into your bedroom, how does it make you feel? Does it make you smile? Is your bedroom a beautiful haven, clean, free of clutter, calming, romantic? I recommend clearing out the clutter and technology. Create a beautiful sanctuary in the bedroom free of chaos and stress.
Clear the Air
- Anger and resentments are insidious Killers of Sexual Desire. Talk it out or simply let them go as soon as possible. Lingering resentments are often misunderstandings that were swept under the rug when very often they could have been cleared up easily with a simple open honest conversation.
- Be thoughtful - One of my favorites: Put little love notes around the house or in his wallet. When he finds it, he will be surprised, smile and feel loved.
“Love is in the details.” -unknown wise person
- Take a long weekend and go away to a favorite spot you both enjoy. Hotel sex is terrific!
Make a sex appointment
- Discuss which night(s) are best for both of you and then write it on the calendar. You may call it anything you like – give it a cute/sexy name and stick to it! A sex appointment is so much fun when it is pre-arranged because you and he will think about it all day and the desire and anticipation builds. Try it!
Believe that this will get better
- You are bringing sexy back – be patient, be brave, believe that fun - fun - FUN days are ahead, own it and above all Believe.
“The decision to BELIEVE is the most important decision you will ever make.” - Whitney Clayton