He Likes You

He likes you.

Which is a very bold statement, considering I don’t know who ‘He’ is. But he has viewed me, winked at me and added me into his favorites – all virtually of course. Oh the joy of online dating!

Most days I receive an email from the dating site I’m subscribed to and most days I send them straight to the delete folder.  I am also aware that consigning any potential suitor straight to the bin isn’t going to help my single status. So occasionally I click the email and follow the link to see who awaits me. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I know I’m no super model but with a good half hour in front of the mirror, I scrub up pretty well. And my profile reflects this – its a ‘good’ picture that didn’t require 15 retakes or airbrushing and I look like, well...me. If (big if) I went out on a date, they would recognize me immediately – unlike a guy I met once, many years ago, who had posted a picture so old he was wearing stonewashed jeans and a curly perm, circa 1982. He did have the grace to admit that the ‘six pack’ he claimed to have in his profile description was now slightly more relaxed than is photo. Slightly? The guy was at least 3 stone overweight and hadn’t seen his abs for many, many years. 

And there lies the problem with online dating. You can be who you want to be - for a short while at least. Men can indulge their inner fantasy of being Bradley Coopers twin brother and women become Victoria Secret models with a click of the keyboard. You can claim to have a‘kind, caring and loving nature, who enjoys country walks, theatre trips and old fashioned pubs’ In reality, the only person you love is yourself, you’re vile until you’ve had your morning coffee and you don’t know any songs from Les Mis. But that wouldn’t get many clicks, so we bend the truth a little and make ourselves sound bloody amazing and super dateable. Even if it is at the expense of the shocked face of your date when you finally meet....

However, I digress. I have received the usual cheery email full of promise that my perfect partner is waiting for me right now and today I decide to open it. Today I decide to see who lies behind the text and see if they are indeed a match. I must point out that on my own profile I have been ever so slightly picky and requested the following:

Must have social skills. (Please don’t just say hello – talk a little!)

No txt speak. Pls spell ur words propa. (Seriously, you will be deleted if you can’t communicate in the Queens English)

Not too much to ask really. I mean you wouldn’t approach someone in a bar and just say hi, before rendering yourself mute. Would you?! And don’t even get me started on text speak! Anyway, you can imagine my surprise when I open the first of 12 emails (ooh, get me being popular!) and I read this:

From: Delboy68

Message: Helo

I delete it immediately purely for the fact he can’t spell.

From: WhereWally

Message: how you doin’? (which obviously has to be read like Joey from Friends)

I delete it him purely on the fact he had to mention how I should read his opening line. Everyone knows how to read those three words!

My enthusiasm is starting to wane and I sigh heavily. Why is this so dam difficult? Why, when there’s over 5000 people online right now, do I have emails from the socially inept? I decide to move away from the inbox and the remaining emails and browse my fellow singletons. Face after face appears on my screen and I scan over them looking for something or someone that grabs my attention. Hard, weathered faces with toothless grins stare at the camera and sit alongside happy, smiling faces with bare chests and a sunny beach in the backdrop. Hairy faces, spotty faces, clean faces, shiny faces all stare out at me, silently willing me to click them and read more. I keep scrolling past the rogues gallery and keep looking for....what? What am I looking for exactly? How can you make a sound judgement on someone by a small image and a ridiculous profile name? HairyHarry (who’s bald) and DangerousDan (who looks like he can’t even spell danger, let alone create any) are nestled alongside Who’sthedaddy (a man with a dog) and Bigballs66 (who incidentally doesn’t have an image available). I continue to scroll....

Ping! Another email pops into my inbox and I somewhat dejectedly open it up. I must also point out that as a 47 year old woman, my desired age range of a man is between 42 and 52 – five years below and five years above! Of course there’s room for negotiation with the right man....

From: Laddo1990 (I should have deleted the email right here)

Message: I luv older women. Fancy a coffee? Wink Wink. (smiley face) 

Oh my goodness! I‘ve been propositioned by a boy; a child even! He’s young enough to be my son! He’s twenty bloody six years old! I don’t know whether to be flattered or horrified.....I delete it before I can decide. 

And so my search continues. I view profiles, I look at star signs and make sure they are taller than me. I read the descriptions, the wish lists and I look at pictures of skiing holidays, beach holidays, parties and family weddings. I try really hard not to be shallow and dismiss every male who doesn’t fit my wish list and occasionally I linger a little longer on one or two profiles. Am I tall enough? Old enough? Young enough in some cases! Am I in the right weight range, is my hair the right color? Will he like me? 

I finally decide to end my search for another day and just as the I reach for the log out button, another email pops up.

From: The Dating Doctor

Message: He Likes You. You Like Him. You’re AMatch!

 


{About This Contributor}

This article was written and submitted by Jo Howell.

You can read her blog for more kick ass writing here: https://itsawomansword.wordpress.com